


there is peace

by 101places



Series: there is only you [10]
Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Jedi Critical, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Other, its uh. from revan's pov. so Yeah it sure is jedi critical, specifically i was going for ocd but i think it got away from me a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:00:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24489385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101places/pseuds/101places
Summary: Begrudging Jedi Padawan Tessan Starri has concerns for their partner.( AKA : i just really wanted to call bastila out for being a disaster to be honest )
Relationships: Nonbinary Revan/Bastila Shan, Revan/Bastila Shan
Series: there is only you [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1686904
Kudos: 17





	there is peace

**Author's Note:**

> so this one got away from me a little but i still like parts so its getting posted
> 
> ive always hc'd bastila as having ocd & wanted to write something about that, though i feel that there are better ways i could've gone about it. maybe i'll do something else in the future, too!
> 
> also holy shit i cant believe ive only written one other rev/bas fic. this one isnt even really about their relationship. what the hell, who am i, theyre like my fave ship. definitely going to be fixing that sometime
> 
> as always, comments/kudos make me feel like the ex-dark lord of the sith is flirting with me

There were a lot of things that had happened over the past few months that Tess struggled to adjust to.

Being around so many people - good, _trustworthy_ people, at that - was a big one. In their old life as a smuggler, there hadn’t really been anyone they could trust. Everyone they had known had either betrayed them, or they had betrayed. That was the nature of the life they had lived then, but here, now, the crew of the Ebon Hawk was different.

There was laughter and genuine solidarity between the crew. Even when they fought, there was no hatred behind it. In a strange way, they had become something of a family.

Another, equally disorienting change, was their new status as a Jedi. If they were being completely honest, this wasn’t where they had expected their life would lead them. They had always been a criminal, but now they were a Jedi - not only that, one with some supposedly great destiny to defeat the Sith and save the galaxy.

It was all a bit much.

Perhaps the strangest thing, however, was this _bond_ that they had with their fellow Jedi Padawan, Bastila Shan.

The Force Bond had been strange from the beginning. From the first moment that Tess had laid eyes on Bastila, they had felt a _connection_ to her. They tried to make light of it, teasing and flirting with her, but the truth was that it made them as uncomfortable as it made her.

Tess had lived their life having to put themself first. They could remember clearly all of the times they had backstabbed others around them, they knew that they had always kept others at a distance, that they had never let anyone get to know who they really were under their metaphorical mask.

So the thought of having someone with such an intimate connection to them was… disturbing.

Tess had no issue with Bastila, herself. To the contrary, they _liked_ her. Their flirtations with her had started as a way to make light of their situations, but the more time they spent with her, the more they began to feel for her, which was concerning in and of itself.

Still, there were things aside from their own concerns about intimacy that made their Force Bond with Bastila a complicated matter.

Through their bond, Tess and Bastila could sense one another’s emotions. For the most part, this was something low-level, easy to tune out, but as they travelled together and became closer, Tess began to notice certain oddities to Bastila’s emotions.

Bastila, it seemed, was someone ruled by shame. Regardless of the situation, regardless of what they were doing, there was always an under-current of shame at her core. Sometimes it was buried further down, but it was always present. Somehow, Tess was aware of the fact that this wasn’t uncommon amongst Jedi - but where they had learnt this was lost to them.

Another, more confusing, fact of Bastila’s emotions were the strange spikes of guilt. Guilt and shame are similar emotions, but there was a distinct difference between Bastila’s ever-present shame and her frequent spikes of guilt. The shame had been drilled into her from over a decade of Jedi teachings, but the guilt… that felt almost new.

More than that, the fact that it presented in spikes implied that it was caused by their immediate environment, but Tess had yet to figure out the pattern of it. There were certain topics that brought about Bastila’s guilt, but nothing that seemed like an explanation, unless Bastila harboured some guilt for her role in Darth Revan’s death. But that seemed unlikely.

What was taking up the most space in Tess’s head for now, however, was something else.

Aside from the shame and the guilt, Bastila had a tendency towards anxiety. This, alone, wouldn’t be enough for Tess to take note - after all, they _were_ on a mission to save the entire galaxy. That was a lot of pressure, it would be strange if she felt _no_ anxiety - but the way that Bastila seemed to manage it had drawn Tess’s attention.

Bastila would experience anxiety, starting quiet and soft, then steadily rising higher and higher. Then, suddenly, it would stop.

Tess would never claim to be an expert on the subject of mental wellness, but even they knew that could not be healthy, and the more they thought about it, the more concerned they became.

.

“I don’t know. I guess I don’t consider the Jedi code when I make decisions,” Tess spoke flippantly, “I do what I think is right. If that fits in with the Jedi code, then great, but if it doesn’t? Well, I’m not going to compromise my beliefs for some old geezers.”

“But can’t you see how fallible that way of thinking is? You are one person, and you are influenced by your own biases - your own emotions and desires, your own personal agenda. You cannot reach an objective truth when you are basing your decisions on what you alone think is right.” Bastila replied, her confident tone betrayed by the uncertainty that travelled across their bond.

Tess shrugged, “Then I won’t reach an objective truth. If I’m wrong, I’ll find it out sooner or later. Isn’t it better to make a mistake and learn from it, than to never know _why_ you’re right?”

There was a strange look on Bastila’s face for a moment, and then Tess became aware of _it_ happening. A spike of anxiety, followed by nothing. Bastila opened her mouth to reply, but Tess was quicker.

“Hold up. What was _that_?”

“What was what?”

“ _That_.” Tess gestured vaguely.

Bastila sighed. “You will have to give more detail than that, Tessan.”

“Your emotions did something strange,” Tess tried to explain, “You were afraid of something for a moment - don’t deny it, _I felt it_ \- but then it vanished.”

There was another spike of… something that Tess wasn’t quite fast enough to recognise, before Bastila spoke with the perfect mask of Jedi affect, “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Tess gave Bastila a firm look, and Bastila returned it, as if she was challenging Tess to contradict her. After a few tense moments, Tess backed down.

“Well, I don’t suppose it matters, anyway. What goes on in your own mind is your business.”

Strangely, Tess was sure that they felt a spike of guilt from Bastila at their words.

.

In the crew quarters of the Ebon Hawk, Bastila Shan knelt, her eyes shut. Her mind was alive with thoughts that had come to her over the past weeks - doubts about the Jedi Order, selfish desires for recognition, ridiculous, childish infatuation. These thoughts were not becoming of a Jedi. She feared how her Masters would respond should they be made aware.

“There is no emotion…” Bastila breathed, voicing the one thought that _mattered_ , “there is peace.”

Like a mantra, she repeated the Jedi code. Her chaotic thoughts stilled as the light of the Force washed over her.

Everything was fine. _She_ was fine. She would not allow Revan to lead her astray.

She was, and always would be, a loyal Jedi.


End file.
